Child-Proof

"As we all know, kids will eat anything, especially pills. They will stop at nothing to get at them. It's probably due to the early-in-development appreciation for rattles, which I personally feel should be banned, but that's an argument for another day.

"Now, what else do we know about children? They're dumb. It's not their fault. It's just a question of experience. They don't know most things. But one day they WILL. However, today is not that day.

"That is why, ladies and gentlemen, I have invented and am pleased to share with you all, the child-proof cap! Surely, you're thinking, 'Child-proof cap? How?' It's simple. Yes, a child could pull a cap off. Yes, a child, given his or her druthers, could even twist a cap off. But what if the cap requires you to PUSH-- not pull-- the cap down, THEN twist and pull? Even with the instructions printed on the bottle (which I have done)-- the very solution to their problem in the palm of that child's hand-- they will not be able to 1) read those instructions, and 2) will not be capable of implementing the multi-stepped process due to their general, age-appropriate idiocy, lack of tactile coordination, and absence of patience, rationality, and critical thinking skills. My caps are a child's worst nightmare.

"I have designed several different variations of these child-proof caps and bottles that I will make available all at once to our proud populace of concerned child carers post haste, lest one more child get their hands on our adult medicines.

We have this push-down-and-turn variety that I just introduced. We have the push-in-the-sides-and-pop-the-top version for those looking for a gratifying sound to accompany a parent's delight that no child of theirs has made off with any pills. We have the hold-down-the-side-tab-of-the-bottle-before-then-unscrewing-the-cap version for those accustomed to cocking their sidearms. And for those adults who appreciate a good puzzle, I present to you the line-the-arrow-on-the-cap-with-the-arrow-on-the-neck-of-the-bottle-before-popping-the-top version.

"No child will master these medicine cap-equivalent riddles of the Sphinx. Most of you adults, I anticipate, will also be thwarted initially, and a good percentage of you possess all your faculties, fingers, and are literate. That is the brutally efficient effectiveness of my designs."

—Dr. Henry Proofenchild, M.D., inventor of the child-proof cap